When lack of recognition nearly forced me to quit
Jun 05, 2024
I went home, steaming!
I needed to unleash my frustration…
There’s my husband and I know he can take what I’m about to say…
“I can’t take this anymore!”
“...I’ve been slaving for months, and for what?!”
“...they never say thank you”
“...they don’t know how much effort I actually put in”
“...I don’t ask for much, but a little recognition is all I need”.
My husband chuckled…fatal error on his behalf.
The next 10min was a blur.
The last words I remember saying…
“I QUIT, I’m going to send an email right now”.
Thankfully, hubby maintained his calm and cool persona, this time without the chuckle.
When I was done, he calmly said…
“I notice all the work you’re doing, the late nights, the extra effort, the professionalism, the things that no one else seems to notice. I see them, I know you and I think you’re amazing”
Ah, I needed that.
He continued…
“You thrive when given recognition, it gives you energy, it calms your mind, and you work super hard to get it.”
“However, when you don’t get it, you get super frustrated and angry, you can go into crisis mode…”
He was right.
It seems so silly to say it, but up until that moment I had no idea. I had always had a healthy dose of praise from my bosses, until that job.
My parents… they are the biggest praisers of any parent in the whole wide world.
My hubby… he learnt it over time (thankfully).
But, my new boss had no idea.
Years later it was confirmed, when I scored 98th percentile for recognition in the Hogan Personality assessment.
I learned something super important that day.
Everyone needs to be seen, heard and recognised.
It’s critical from a psychological standpoint that we get a healthy feedback loop for the work we do.
And it looks and feels different for everyone.
In the Career Hack section below you can learn how to recognise the people in your team.
Why do bosses NOT recognise us?
There are three main reasons:
1) Bosses fear giving recognition…
Crazy, but true.
The fear is that if they tell you that you’re doing a great job, you might stop trying so hard.
2) We haven’t yet achieved their high standard
People are often promoted into “boss” roles because they are the best in their job. The problem with this is that bosses see everyone underperforming when compared to how they performed when in that role themselves.
Whilst they probably don’t mean it (although some would mean it), they make us feel like we are underachieving.
3) Bosses sometimes have no idea
When their team are frustrated, they often have no idea why, or understand that it’s due to a lack of recognition.
Not everyone was trained how to lead well.
So, what happened next?
I have to admit, this was a first for me.
I confronted my boss and it felt SUPER awkward.
But I practised what I was going to say and how I was going to say it, so I didn’t risk jeopardising my reputation with an angry tirade.
The conversation with my boss went surprisingly well “ish”.
It went something like:
“I haven’t been enjoying my role here and I get the sense you’ve noticed…
I realised you probably have no idea why, so it might help if I explain.
I noticed when I’m happiest, and work my best, is when I know my team appreciates all the work I’m putting in.
I’ve been working late nights, weekends and taking on extra work over the last few months.
However, I’ve really struggled working this hard without someone showing they notice.
I really appreciate your feedback, and what I need from you is to know more of what I’m doing well, not just focusing on the areas to be improved.
Does that work for you?”
Thankfully he responded amazingly.
Having an honest conversation about what I needed from him, transformed our working relationship. A trust was built from which we then worked seamlessly together for years.
Here’s the thing, now that I’ve been around, and coached many leaders, I realise how little support they have been given.
They genuinely work their backsides off, but the way they manage their teams often lead to team members being unhappy, ineffective and disruptive - I was on this path myself.
They’re human.
But, before throwing in the towel with your manager, test opening up with them and describe what you need that will allow you to be productive and happy.
Better yet, give them some recognition of their leadership style - you might be surprised how much they need it too.