How to stop people pleasing
Aug 05, 2024
There’s something amazing and devastating about people-pleasers.
If you’re a people pleaser, like me, you’ll know this dynamic is true.
So many people rely on you, and you’re often the go-to person for any problem. You’re a hard worker, an incredible problem solver, productive, and you deliver results.
You rarely upset people, you fit into teams well, and make the work environment a better place to be but...
… the truth is, for all these pay-offs, there is a massive cost…
You’re more likely to be stressed and overworked, for starters.
You DON’T prioritise the things important to you, including your health, passions, career goals, and personal needs.
You often get taken advantage of, and harshly criticise yourself for not standing up for yourself.
You’re often not fulfilling your own potential, and you wonder how you found yourself in your current position.
Today, I want to give you an alternative path, without giving up the benefits…
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Today's Topics
- That’s Interesting: People pleasing pain
- Monday Mindset: Leverage your key strengths
- Career Hack: Flip it baby, harness your people-pleasing skills to win
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People pleasing pain
A YouGov US study found that 92% of people do at least one of nine people-pleasing traits, with women stating the more common traits they struggle with are:
- 70% go to great lengths to avoid conflict
- 68% put other people’s needs first, at the expense of your own
- 55% feel like you can’t say “no” when someone asks for something
People Pleaser
If you are a people pleaser, I totally get it! I’m a recovering people-pleaser myself. It’s awfully hard to decline work or say ‘no’ when you really don’t want to let people down.
But here’s the thing… If you're always focusing on other people's goals, where does that leave your own?
Usually last #justbeinghonest
You will be the one sacrificing personal and family time to meet other people's timelines. You will be the one overworked and stressed. It’s a pretty crappy scenario that leaves you resentful, hurt, and burnt out.
Let’s flip it for a second and talk about if you’re a manager of a people-pleaser.
When You Manage a Team
If you have these amazingly productive and beautiful creatures in your team, you need to be incredibly careful not to overload them.
Yes, it’s up to you to notice this trait and not exploit it because they will burn out, become resentful, and leave an organisation if not properly cared for.
But what you’re both? A people pleaser and a manager?
The double whammy
This is super tough!
Often, you’ll be trying to please everyone…
Your team, colleagues, and managers, leaving very little room to set and drive the direction of your team. Good luck!
This deeply embedded need for us to people-please and gain recognition from others fundamentally backfires on us every day. Because ultimately, and I’m sure you’ve already noticed, you’ll disappoint more people by trying to please everyone.
So, what’s next?
As you can see, it’s a lose-lose game, but…
… I’m going to do some Jedi-mind tricks on you! Instead of telling you to buckle up and say ‘no’ to everyone, I want you to use your people-pleasing needs to your favour.
Because if I said, “stop people-pleasing for a full week,” I could imagine this might cause some level of anxiety…
So, instead, I want you to harness it…
Keep reading the Career Hack section below to find out how.
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Know Your Worth
Keep this one pinned to your desk this week!
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Harness Your People Pleasing Skills
Flip it baby!
The lie that people-pleasers tell themselves is that you can never say ‘no’ to people. But, you do it all the time.
If you have a deadline, and need to work overtime, you will tell your most important people ‘no,’ you won’t be there for dinner, you’ll be late home tonight.
So, you are actually accustomed to saying ‘no’; it’s just who you’re saying the ‘no’ to.
Consider this for a moment, because we can use this in our favour…
Clarity
One of the big impacts of being a people pleaser is that you often don’t focus on your own personal needs, your career, health, family.
So, let’s take a moment to rectify this.
It’s time for you to:
Write out 3 or 4 outcomes you want to live by. Things you want for yourself that you aren’t willing to compromise on. For me…
- My kiddos know I’m there for them when it’s most important
- I transform the lives of as many professional women as possible
- I enjoy great physical and mental health
- I earn enough money that my family are taken care of
Each of these then defines my actions, and as I move through this complex world, I will continue to define this better.
For example, if a client needs to reschedule and the only time I have is when I have committed to family, I get to choose family time.
Without clarity on what you want for YOU, others' needs will simply fill the space.
This was a game-changing thought pattern interruption for me because I no longer feel like I’m saying ‘no’ to my client, I’m simply saying ‘yes’ to my family.
Mind-Game
Let’s play a game. I want you to make a promise to someone, for something you aren’t willing to compromise on (try one of the 3-5 things you thought about above).
Maybe it’s a health commitment. Maybe it’s a family commitment. Maybe it’s a get down to the beach and sunbake commitment.
Tell people about it. Your partner, mum, dad, sister, brother, friends, your manager, your team. The more the better.
If you’re in my Thriving Leaders Club, tell the group because we’ll all hold you accountable! The point is, you’ll be forced to please people on items that are fundamentally more important to you.
Then what?
So, you now have a template to use your people-pleasing needs to benefit yourself. Naturally, you’ll start saying ‘no’ to things that threaten your ability to deliver on your personal commitment. It’s okay, you’ll navigate through it just fine.
But the key is to make sure you’re clear on your personal goals.
Now, I know what you’re saying, shouldn’t we try and stop being people-pleasers?
Yes, is my long answer, but step 1 isn’t to fight people-pleasing; it’s to create an environment where you break the mould.
It’s better to practise saying ‘yes’ to the things that are important to you, than practising a hard ‘no’ to others. The effects of this will do wonders in your subconscious. Try it and let me know how you go!
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Cheers & Claps: Our Success Stories
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Wrapping up another fantastic week! A huge thank you for subscribing and diving into our newsletter. 
We trust it sparked some inspiration, motivation, or perhaps offered a delightful distraction.
Em & the PY Team
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